Dear God, thank you for the plans you have for me....BUT, could I have it just like, exactly, precisely, specifically, 100% like THIS????

How heavy the woes have been of mourning my faulty uterus, how frustrating the the times can feel coming to terms with my cyst-laden ovaries, how bittersweet the pity parties are that I attended alone!  Like every human, I'm pretty darn good at feeling sorry for myself. Then I slap myself silly and wake up to the reality of my life that I LOVE!

"For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!"  - Jeremiah 29:11

How great that is to read!

It sometimes feels like all your pain and suffering is for nothing.  That, if God really had a plan, why wouldn't he just show me already! Sounds much easier to me! But to really grow, learn, mature and appreciate what you have, you must get there on your own.  You'll get gentle nudges in the right direction, but only if you're open to accepting that the direction you're being nudged, might not be the way you want to go! lol

So my uterus is being a stubborn bitch, that's ok! God has a different plan for me! It took me a while to get to this point of finally accepting that my uterus has checked out, (and if I'm being honest I'll probably still have a twinge of resentment towards my faulty girly parts now and again),  but I'll have that clear understanding of why, that it's OK! 

I find that a lot of people pray, me included, for "direction." A clear path.  God, let your will be done! And to that I say,  "Really? Am I reeeeally open? Do I really want your will, or just one that resembles your will, but is mostly mine. Because, let's face it, I kinda know what I want. So, let your will be done, but only if it's just like, exactly, precisely, specifically, 100% like THIS." Turns out though, I'm not usually right.  Turns out, He has a WAY better plan than I do!  It's hard to see it (if at all), understand it (if at all), want to follow it (if at all), and have complete faith that it's the right one! (if at all!!) 

So to try and see, understand, follow and have complete faith in my path, I've decided to start praying a little differently. Instead of praying just for myself/family and our path, I've started praying for others that may someday come across our path.  Praying for the child that has already been chosen for our family, that he/she is safe and well cared for. Praying for the family that is taking care of our child, that they are blessed, or for the mother who is pregnant with our child that she is blessed. I'm praying that I fill my time of waiting, not with frustration and discouragement, but that I fill it with time to help/bless others. To really appreciate the NOW, and not just long for the future. 

So I challenge you to try this out.  It's kind of amazing how things start happening once you do!  Almost ALL of the things I was stressed about, have been solved! Kinda funny how God does that ;) PLUS, this is the season of giving! What better gift than to pray blessings onto other people, find a way to physically help someone or to be there for them, or if you're moved to do something and don't know why, DO IT! I'm not sure what made me feel like writing about this particular subject, but I was moved to tell others that I DO sometimes doubt God's plans, that I don't always have faith, and that it's NORMAL to feel that way!  BUT, the power of prayer is amazing!  By making very small changes in the way you pray, you can work miracles!  So have FAITH, BELIEVE, and be PATIENT!  Things will work out for you, and you will be blessed!

This Time Jesus Came Dressed As A Woman....

So, it's been a really long time since I've posted anything. The main reason behind this is because I kinda turned into a cranky b-word! As we attended 30+ hours of 'parenting' classes, getting physicals, a TB test (apparently it's pretty rampant in big cities, who knew!) fingerprinted, criminally background checked by everyone from local police to the FBI, and spending hours filling out a stack of paper work that was 2 inches thick, I found myself turning into a UAV military drone, able to pin point 'un-fit' parents a mile away! Doo doo doo - there's a mom dropping cigarette ash on her baby in the stroller! Doo doo doo - there's a mom telling her small child she's gonna " f-ing knock him out if he doesn't stop what he's doing!" Doo doo doo - Yet another trying to SELL her baby to my friend at Taco Bell in Vancouver, WA. (yes I said sell, it was so sad and she just recently pleaded guilty). Then to top it all off, the only other couple in our class that was adopting, came to the last class and told us they got a baby! I was extremely excited and happy for them, but couldn't help but have a little thought in the back of my head of "why can't we catch that break?"(Don't I sound like a total spoiled brat already! Geez!)

Each person I saw with kids that didn't appear to appreciate the gift they were given,  caused me to become more and more bitter, resentful, and frustrated. Here I was, getting FBI checked and taking classes, etc etc, and I still have to go through MORE when our home study begins, and these people just pop kids out like gumballs, multiples sometimes! It just didn't seem fair! "Why don't they have to go through this!?" I would say while attending my pitty party solo. This is where the title of my post comes into play. While the frustration continued to grow like an annoying wart that wont freeze off but keeps itching, and itching, and itching, and growing, and growing, and growing, I got my big quarterly "Ah Ha" God moment. I have God moments everyday, but I'm talking the "big-smack-you-across-the-face-make-ya-feel-kinda-like-poo-but-then-immediately-after-are-refreshed-and-feel-fantastic God moment"!

Through time, God has spoken through various means. Burning bush, transfiguration, disciples, but this time, for me, Jesus came dressed as a woman, and he was armed with a cosmetology license and a camera. The first woman He spoke to me as was my nail lady (the cosmetology license). As I'm getting my nails did and telling her how frustrated I am, and basically re-hashing all the agonizing details mentioned above, she says to me, "Joey, you need to use cuticle oil, and you need to change your focus." What is this foreign tongue she speaks? Change my focus? But clearly it's obvious how right I am about how unfair this is for me!! Can you not feel my pain as it is yours!?!  She continues. "If all you're looking for is the bad everywhere, all you're gonna find is the bad! If all you're looking for is negativity, that's what you're going to find! You need to focus on the positive in your life and the parents you know that are great! Not just the bad ones you see walking their babies down the street in 100 degree weather in improper clothing!"

Really? Could it be that simple? And the answer is yes! She was soooo right! I was focusing on the negative! Light bulb! As easy and obvious as this seems to be,  it's really surprising how easy it is to feel sorry for yourself. I'm not a mean person, I'm normally happy and funny and carefree! But I lost my way temporarily and turned into a crabby complainer! So I smacked myself in the face and said "Take off the blinders debbie downer! Quit getting so caught up! Get back to who you are!" This light bulb moment really helped me change the way I see things every day. So, now with this re-found enlightenment, I got one more affirmation to what I was already putting into place in my life.  This time, Jesus came and spoke through 2 ladies at the same time! It was my friends Lindsay and Gena from Earth Monkeys. During the EMHE, Gena posted on the EM fb page a look into the journey of the build. In this journey, she posted a picture (the camera) of a cupboard door in Lindsay's house that had a verse from Isaiah. It said, "For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help". BOOM! Flood gates opened, I started balling my eyes out! I was so touched by that cupboard door, and it 100% filled that last little piece I was missing in my new-found mission of positivity!

In life it becomes far too easy to complain, feel irritated, frustrated, discouraged and just plain not understand what the heck this terribly hard lesson is I'm supposed to be learning at this moment!  I've "let it go" a few times through this journey, and felt really strong and full of faith, but not until recently have I totally given it up! (I'm tearing up writing this HA! Yay for unstable hormones!) It's a very liberating moment to be able to take the stress off your shoulders! It's far too heavy anyway right, and I wouldn't want to hurt my delicate frame! ;) 

So I'm throwing out a challenge to anyone who actually reads all the way through this ramble! The challenge: to find ONE THING every day that is humbling. If you find grace in others, it will one day be found with you! The way you feel when you can draw strength from people like Lindsay and CJ and their kids, my friend Callee who has a daughter in a wheelchair, my other friend Angela who just had to take her small baby to have surgery, the parents of Faith and Ethan, and the many others who stay strong through their struggles, is......well, I can't actually find a word to describe it! Inspiring would only be the tip of it! So go out each day, and be humbled! You wont regret the way you feel and the love and appreciation you have for your life and your own struggles! Because like my mama always says, "This too shall pass!!" (She be such a smart lady)

THIS is why you should support adoption!

Kids should never have to live on the street! Even in Oregon the stats are amazing!

According to http://www.lwvor.org/documents/HomelessYouth2006.htm
The number of homeless youth in Oregon is nearly impossible to count. The Oregon Runaway and Homeless Youth Coalition, using a federal formula that 1 in 12 homeless youth contact a service provider, estimates that as many as 24,000 Oregon youth are homeless, coming from rural, suburban and urban areas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BewknNW2b8Y

My Gyno Is Like Columbus, Always Making New Discoveries

It's been a while since my last post, mostly because there was so much going on I wasn't sure which topic to write about. There's the usual updates about my uterus, as well as a few new thoughts to ponder on muffin tops, the Goodwill, people riding their bikes with no hands while carrying their baby in a front pack.... So you can see I was torn. Today however, I'm continuing with my angry uterus.

To catch you up to speed, I was on Clomid. Unfortunately, that victory went to my uterus, as the Clomid didn't work. We have thus decided to concede power to my uterus, and wave the theoretical white flag.

After a lot of talking and weighing the options, we have decided to adopt. This was always a plan of ours, we just thought it was going to be after another one of our own children.  Now some have said we didn't try long enough, or that once we go down that adoption road we're sure to get pregnant! Don't give up! But I believe strongly that things happen for a reason. We all have a path laid out before us, (whether we choose to go down it however, is another thing). I find myself, as I know many others do, praying for that big neon sign from God! "Can't you just make is easy for me?"  Well, as I thought about it, I did get a big neon sign when I started my period on Mother's Day, (insert cymbal clash here) after being on Clomid. "Got it Big Guy. Thanks." He has a dry sense of humor, doesn't He.

Now on to my Gyno. It seems every trip to the crotch doc delivers a great big bundle of crap tied in a fancy bow that costs $400.  This last venture has caused me to start calling my doc Christopher, as in Columbus, because, as the title says, he's always finding new, not really exciting discoveries.  This last excursion revealed a not-so fun, but otherwise ah-ha moment for us all.  Satellite images show what appears to be base camp for an army of cysts holding strong inside my ovaries.  Now my Gyno has morphed into my personal George W. finding WMD's buried inside my girlie parts.  Diagnosis, PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and, drum roll please, Endometriosis! Both of which have been contributing factors to my fertility issues.

So, now that we know the culprits behind it all, it seems that adoption, for us, is the right decision. Yes you can get pregnant with both of these problems, after they are taken care of. That, however, could take some time. I have to go back on birth control in hopes to get rid of them both, and in 2 months see how I am feeling. If I'm not better, then the next option is surgery. Woo-hoo! 

I have always wanted to adopt, since I was 4 years old!  So my husband and I truly feel this is what God has in store for us.  It was hard to get pregnant with Dom, and it has proved to be hard again. And with the giant, huge, massive arrows I feel are being shown to me for which direction to take, I just thank God for my son, and look forward to meeting the child God has chosen for us :)

.

And you thought the Easter Bunny bringing eggs was weird...

So now that we've begun our wondrous journey into all that is fertility issues, we find ourselves on the first stepping stone made of lots of pills and, well, practice. My Easter gift was in the shape of a little round pill named Clomid. The little dear makes it's way into my ovaries and causes them to spit out bushels of eggs.  Now whether or not one of those decides to take up residence in my uterus, is yet to be known. All I know is that the chances of twins goes from 1 in 80 to 1 in 10-20. Yikes! I have friends that have been successful on Clomid, read of some who have not, and I've only heard of one person actually having twins from it. I'm sure there are many more, but it is a little reassuring to hear.  As my luck goes, I'll probably be the "1 in 20", but I guess we'll have to wait and see. All I know is in the mean time, I'm mentally preparing for the cold hard truth that, I may have to get a mini van.....

My story condensed

So to make a really long story short, my uterus and I have never seen eye to eye. It wants one thing, I want something different, so needless to say it's been a long, arduous relationship. Since becoming my best and worst frenemy, it's plotted to thwart my conception plans from day one. From becoming allies with my ovaries, to coaxing my usually neutral fallopian tubes to get in on the action, it's been a struggle to get knocked up. First came the ectopic pregnancy, then the miscarriages, yadda, yadda, yadda. It took us 1 1/2 years to get our first son, and now we're back on the baby-making band wagon trying to trek our way through the always changing, treacherous roads of the Oregon Trail they call conception. If only I had my own Sacajawea to guide me through pills, tests and medical jargon that make up this crazy world of infertility! So here I am, documenting my findings on our journey. It could be good, it could be bad, I'm not making any promises! All I know is that it helps me to know that there are others out there that struggle with it too! Our community is actually quite large! So please feel free to read my blabber and share your own!
"Did we just become best friends?"
"Yup!"

what exactly am i doing here?

So, here I am trying to figure you out blog spot. I know I'm not dumber than you. But you look so confusing. I will master you. But until then, rambling.